|Baby C waking up this morning!|
Caroline, in all her cute newborn-ness, has distracted me from the fact that three years ago today my Daddy went to be with Jesus.
Of course I know the date, and was aware it was coming, but honestly it seemed like all of the sudden it was May 10th and I woke up reliving the worst day of my life.
The details of that day are etched in my mind forever. It all happened so fast, yet looking back each moment on that mountaintop felt like a nightmarish eternity. I sometimes find myself looking back on that day, and thinking that if I could have changed one thing... maybe just one tiny detail then maybe he wouldn't have died. You know, details like if we had all woken up earlier or eaten lunch an hour later or made it through one red light then for some reason things would have turned out different. If only we had called for the park rangers 1 minute earlier or if only my CPR would have been more effective then maybe my Daddy would be here to meet Caroline.
If only I could go back and take control of an aspect of that day then it wouldn't have had the same result.
I struggle with that control thing sometimes... well often I guess. And its not that I like to make decisions, because I am very indecisive, its more that when things seem disorganized or painful or just flat out wrong, I like to think that I could have "organized" or planned out a situation far better. Far better than God for sure.
And then I am entering scary waters. I have been there... where I think I know better than God, and it is a deep pit...
The simple truth is that He does know best, and I have learned from experience that it is much easier on the heart (maybe not always the rationalizing human mind, but definitely on the heart) to simply believe the truths of God's word and the examples from my life when God's plan was truly the best plan, and stand on that fact.
"The mind of sinful man is death,
but the mind controlled by the Spiritis life and peace."
God gave me this truth this morning. It is exactly what my hurting heart needed. It is the reminder than My God was tangibly with me on that mountain, He is with me today, and His plan is far, far better.
Even when that plan means taking my Daddy so early. Even when than plan means that sweet Caroline Bennett will never meet... on this side of eternity... the Grandaddy that she was named after.
That plan does mean that my Daddy didn't have to suffer through years of Parkinson's disease. It means he didn't have to watch his body slowing fade away. There are hidden blessings in that the last thing my sweet Father saw on that mountain top was the very family he lived and breathed for, and I am confident that He died in complete peace. His spirit left his body on that Colorado Mountain, and he was with Jesus. There is peace for me in that fact... and there is continued life.
Today, in pain, I choose to allow my mind to be controlled by the Holy Spirit, and I choose life and peace. I will see my Daddy again. Today with my Mama, I will rejoice in the new life that God has given our family in Caroline.
And I will rejoice in the fact that I had the most wonderful Dad for 24 years. I have memories that will last an earthly lifetime, and I choose to consider myself blessed.