a little of what God is speaking to my heart this morning

I had one of those mornings this morning where I was reading a devotional book and the Lord said you need to get this, and really get it for your life. Not that I don't try to "get it" every morning, but I will be the first to admit that in this so-called busy & crazy life sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other and seems fairly irrelevant to my current day to day thoughts. Ok, now that I am being completely honest, brace yourselves because I am about to be even more honest with myself.

I read this quote from "Jesus Calling." The whole book is written as though God is speaking the words to His Children {so the I and Me and My are God}....

"Your needs and My riches are a perfect fit. I never meant for you to be self-sufficient. Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread, but also for fulfillment of deep yearnings. I carefully crafted your longings and feelings of incompleteness to point you to Me. Therefore, do not try to bury or deny these feelings. Beware also of trying to pacify these longings with lesser gods: people, possessions, power. 

Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me." 

This hit me like a ton of bricks this morning, and it still is i guess. Different areas of my little insignificant life keep coming to mind and i am overwhelmed all over again with a sense of that clarity in how needy and incomplete i am.

I have a feeling of loneliness at times with living in Waynesboro, Virginia away from all close family and with a husband who works a.l.o.t. I was covering up that lonely feeling by working a lot right beside him. Well now our lives are changing because God has given us a baby girl and i am preparing to stay home with her. My role in "work" has to change. This has been a h-u-g-e internal struggle for me. Just with knowing where to add significance and where to find fulfillment without even actually having our baby girl here yet.

I think the Lord knew what He as doing all along and knew that I needed this season of feeling worthless really in my weird and changing roles to see that God has given me this time and these feelings to point me back to him. I have felt this way all along, but it takes a huge change to make me stop and understand that God designed me to feel this way so that i would lean on him and into him for understanding and clarity and fulfillment and purpose. He created me and desires to be all things to me if I will allow him the room to do so.

He also desires to be my Father if I will allow him. Now, I don't think that the Lord took my sweet, and in my eyes perfect daddy at the age of 60 to simply teach me a lesson in seeing him as my source of completion, but I think that he does try desperately to speak into my heart and say "Katherine, My heart hurts when your heart hurts. I am sad when you can't have a conversation with your Dad, but I want you to have a conversation with me. And I want to guide you like your Dad did though so many decisions and changes. I want to love you even more than he was capable of doing and I am more proud of you than he was ever created to be. Just allow me into that space and rejoice in the fact that I can complete you."

It has taken me 2 1/2 years to even have this thought enter into my brain.

Lord, teach me what it looks like to see you as my father and to allow you to use my inadequacies and my desires to have a purpose in your kingdom and my desires for fulfillment to show me your perfectness and your love.